Yes, you read that right. There is no mention of the word love there. To the famous love-lust debate, this is a side where sex wins. While many manifestations of sex fall on either side, this one breaks the bone, in every sense of the word. Though it’s not as happy or exciting as I make it sound. But it’s more liberating than anything you’ve experienced before.
Sadness – that’s where it was born. Deep levels of sadness. And not situational, contextual sadness mind you. It’s the brooding that keeps you preoccupied. For days on end, you begin dissociating from everyone. Creating cocoon within cocoon. Questioning everything, including the question to question yourself. Black hole had become my cave, one where I could not let any light pass through. With every passing moment, the sadness kept on piling.
Until one day, you turn numb. And within that overwhelmed emotion, something takes over you. A ghost that sticks to your side. And a possessed you exudes a robotic confidence previously unknown to you. At that point, you can break any shackle. Any barrier. Any damn body.
The ghost owns your body. And you own hers. She becomes yours to finish and not devour. You’re not thinking of pleasuring her. Or yourself. It’s just you and your sadness alone. It’s a confrontation you had been delaying for long. And now you’re talking. It’s like you are making a point, a hard and definitive one.
You lose track of time, space and energy. You go on ranting, without taking a break. You carry forward the conversation to your living room. The bedroom. The bathroom. The floor. You just don’t want to stop. Yes, it is selfish. But then this is the selfish kind that all need to have. Strangely, you can never practice or imbibe it. The ghost knows no love or lust. Frankly it does not even know sex. It’s just a play of mind with body. And when that happens, I suggest you just experience the calm. It’s a cold feeling. Not hot. Cold but meditative.