Drained and deranged

The roller coaster has stopped in its tracks. Yes, the impulsive-passionate-living-on-the-edge-me has decided to take a breather. The emotional chaos and the intellectual high have decided to remain in the closet for a while. The degrading health in the past month or so has played its part, not an integral one, but definitely noteworthy.
Life comes a full circle, it may be unfair and unreasonable enough for me to use the term life here, but yes my antics as such have come a full circle. My quest for mannequins ain’t over by any stretch of imagination, just settling for the warmth of a wonderful human these days. I may as well go ahead and term her pagan. It’s the femininity that pulls me. I’ve never really paid heed to the sensitive side of my women, always focused on the intellectual facet of their personality. Not saying there is no intellectual bend to her, it’s just that we haven’t yet interfaced on that wavelength. As I’ve decided to stay put in my quest, in my leisured conscience I find space for sensitivity, the unadulterated kind. I’ve despised convention and yet I find myself bound by it. It’s a strange feeling to be honest. The warmth sure does please the heart and even the libido per se is satiated. But usually my point of satiety does not stop here, I need something more, something to hold onto. Yet I remain glued here, maybe there is something ineffable here. A phenomenon that remains unexplained, yet magnetic, pulling me every second. Rationally speaking we cannot be jibed. But yet we remain, strangely, not forcefully. For the first time, I’ve looked deep into a woman’s eyes without seeking for something. What I found? Innocence that cannot be faked, she avoids reciprocation, while also questions my act of gazing, and I answer her every question with silence. Maybe it’s a very selfish emotion, an emotion that I don’t want to share. On the other hand, her fear is too transparent, fear of getting involved with some misfit, fear of causing pain. Taking my course of action into consideration, I’ve gone numb to a certain degree, there are a few sparks there, no doubt. I just don’t get that involved too often, an old wound can be an explanation to that, but then habitually I’ve built a cocoon. I don’t open doors to many, it’s not like I play safe; I’m just conditioned that way.
Coming back to my musings, it feels oddly nice to be not chaotic. The settling ease is very comforting, sometime I go out of my way to safeguard that comfort, and herein I err. Acceptance is step one, and one is supposed to arrest the thought here and not seek to safeguard the same. Maybe it’s the untainted beauty of that emotion that makes you want to secure it. My habit of inviting chaos in my life and then trying to find order in the same is changing, changing for the better!
The rush of blood is still there, but then a female embrace can and does pacify the same.
I like to use the term ‘mine’ here. It’s an authoritative statement, but more like a very personal attachment. I like her. I don’t mind associating ‘mine’ to her. It looks like a good phase. Yes, it does have a lifespan, but I’m not thinking backwards here, I’m looking forward. I need this. I come out as a better human being, maybe her personality doesn’t make me dupe her in words. On a more self-seeking note, it’s a pleasant feeling from within. Irrespective what happens henceforth, this will remain a more pleasant road that I embarked upon! Before I return to the adventure if at all, this is one trance that’s intoxicating me the right way.

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